before "the blog"- Humpty Dumpty from 6-6-2010

Humpty Dumpty

Ok, so the other night I was thinking about this childrens story and truthfully I don’t remember the whole. However, I started thinking about how it relates to my life. A bit random but here we go anyway.

So if I (as Humpty Dumpty) fall off a wall because I was unable to stay on it, would I go back to the same spot? Probably not but instead would find a lower, safer, more stable spot. Maybe even on a different wall. This place for sure will work out I say to myself, I like it here. So I settle in to my new place on a wall and begin to enjoy it and where it is going. I see the future in this spot and begin to hold it and make it my own.

Then, it happens…down I go to a painful landing once again. Now this time as I sit in the recovery room I think thru what happened and why once again. I try to learn from my mistakes and cling again to what I know. As I head out again to make my place I being to look around for something suitable. I find a really cool spot and sit there for a bit. I enjoy it, the view is good, the future seems fuzzy but I remember that it did at first in the last spot too. So I sit there a bit longer enjoying this new place but so unsure if I can make it my own. I think to myself, if I were smart I would stay on the ground for another fall would kill me for sure. Yet I long for a place on the wall once again. Again, I also know a place on the wall means the other places and futures and dreams I had will be long behind likely to never be seen again. So maybe I can walk on the ground and find a good spot with a view from there but would also be able to travel the world and not be stuck on that wall, now there’s an idea I may life after all. I could see this and that and go here and there and enjoy all the things that I long to explore… except for a wonderful place on the wall.

Now I’m perplexed for I can’t have it all. Oh to travel the world or sit on the wall? That is the question and only I can decide yet I find myself unable to stay on that wall. Maybe it’s simply that what I want isn’t best for me and the wall was never meant for people like me? Those who wonder about and dream of great things. To see the world and all that it has or sit on the wall and make a spot just for me. Rather than a wall am I meant to be sailing aboard a ship lost at sea?

The ship has it’s risks as well though you see. It gets battered and worn and who know’s where it’ll be. Safer at first cause there’s no chance of a fall. Maybe it’s only cause your already on the ground after all.

So it comes down to this I think for me. The wall is where I want to be. The problem lies in my ability to find a safe place that’s just right for me. With my lack of trust in humanity I’m just not sure there’s a wall in this world with a spot I can see that’s built just for me.

ignorance is bliss.....

True that to know love is an amazing thing. To know or even believe that someone will be there with you and for you no matter what. If you lose your job, become paralyzed, win the lottery or get fat that this person will be there. A best friend in the good and bad of life. A companion to talk you thru the situations of life, listen when you need an ear and just to be there silently when that's all you really need because their presence means more than words.

What if you never knew? What if you just went thru life, enjoying what came to you and continuing on. You'd still have friends who care and who lift you up when you are down but you never knew how it felt to be loved by another. That often silent knowledge the he/she is there would not be present, but you wouldn't know the difference. "Ignorance is bliss"

Think about it this way. It is highly likely hat somewhere on this planet there is a meal. A meal that to you would be so amazing you could eat it over and over and never get sick of it. You don't know it exists so who cares right. Are you now going to travel the world in hopes of finding it because you just read that, NO. Who cares right. "Ignorance is bliss"

Here is where the real dilemma comes in. What if on a 2 day trip somewhere or even a layover in an airport you find it. You order some dish that has peaked your curiosity on the foreign menu. It's a short layover so you head toward the plane meal in hand. Your plane is boarding so you wait for the masses of people standing in line who's rows have not yet been called. Making their way thru the long narrow passage to their aisle seat. Now you have to climb over them because you have the window. Finally in your seat, stomach growling and ready for launch you open the top of the non-biodegradable Styrofoam container. The smell is amazing and you can't wait for the first bite. Your tastes buds go wild and you can not get enough. You being to wonder "what's in this thing"! Trying to remember the name of the dish so you can look it up later, you argue with your friends. You have no idea and you are taxiing to the runway.

The taste was amazing but you have realized it will never happen again. you have no idea what was in it or how it was made and not a clue what it is called. It was simply a moment that will remain forever but never to return.




Here is where my analogy loses traction. There is no long lasting expectation from food. It is meant to be a moment in time. Something God has given us to enjoy> over and over and many different kinds. The possibilities of colors, textures and flavors is seemingly endless. We are meant to try them all if we choose, at our leisure and ability. they are here for us to enjoy. It is not this way with love. Love comes as a fire. It begins small with a single spark. The embers grow, glowing with initial warmth before the smoke beings to rise. A signal to others of what is growing here. Eventually if there is enough fuel and proper air flow the flames ignite. A fire will burn as long as it is able. Keep feeding it and don't starve it of air and it will burn for eternity. It is a magnificent thing to watch, to enjoy the heat and the beauty of. However, you let it go out... it leaves behind a pile of ash which is only good to be thrown to the wind, cast aside and discarded. Worthless, ugly and revealing the destruction it has caused.

I had to learn how to love thru mistakes and pain as many of us do. It literally took me several years after my divorce to come out the other side a better person. The problem I faced, a desire to share what I had learned. I wanted to love and to be loved. The last few years since I found myself not looking but definitely keeping my eyes out for the opportunity (for lack of a better term). Now i look back and see only ash, that which the fire has left in it's wake. With little/no desire left for this so called love, I wish only for ignorance once more. Oh I'm sure I'll meet someone and get stupid again. Though I would much prefer not to which is why I build my own castle. A castle is roughly defined as a building or group of buildings normally with thick high walls intended to keep anyone/thing unwanted out for the purpose of safety, security and/or privacy.

Oh but for the love of my savior I would choose never to have known.

After all someone also once said "ignorance is bliss"

what would you do different.....

If only I knew then what I know now…..

I don’t believe it is a good thing to dwell on the past. However, at the same time, if we are to learn from the past we must take a look back into the archives of our lives. We can not change what has been done or undo decisions we have made. I started to say make decisions we did not but really, those were decisions also and can not be changed. Life is filled with decisions and though we can not change the ones that have been made, Lord willing we can learn from them.

What are the decisions I regret you ask. I’m not sure how willing I am to get into that here but give me a call or shoot me an email if you must know J What I am willing and here to discuss is some of the things I have learned.

Just a few minutes ago I was chatting with an old friend via Facebook chat. I have not seen this person but once in the last 12 years or so and yet we can talk like it was yesterday. This person is one of the single best friends I have ever had. The importance of a good friendship is something I have learned the hard way. Another friend of mine has a magnet on his fridge. It simply says “Happiness is being married to your best friend”. Not Happiness is having tons of money or being married to a “hottie” or having the perfect job or a great house. Could friendship be the key to life to the fullest. Even God calls Abraham His friend. WOW, if that doesn’t give us some perspective. “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Have you tried to give advice or discuss important things with someone who is not a friend?! Good luck with that. You might as well be living in the song “the gambler”. Watch out for your cigars and whiskey!

I don’t believe that marriage is required for happiness but I do know God says it is not good for man to be alone. We all know some of the obvious reasons for that but there is more I think. I know a few single people that are getting up in age. Some who were never married and some who were. Those that had long marriages and lost someone seem to feel they have lost part of themselves but do not regret the way they lived. Those that have been alone often feel the pain of that loneliness. This is not always the case, just some of my observation. Also, not where I thought this post would go.

We need true real friendships. Friends that can tell us we are impatient or when we are being stupid. Friends that won’t pull punches but will still love us after the I told you so’s are done and gone. Some of us are lucky enough to have that type of friend around us regularly. Some of us wonder why we do not. Maybe it is us, are we a good friend? Are we honest yet kind. Are we there when we are needed and do we care about others more than ourselves? Are we the friend we want to have? If not, why and are we willing to change.

There is one who sticks closer than a brother.

He will never leave you nor forsake you.

He will not make life easier for you but will carry you thru the times you feel you are not able to continue.

I’ll take this time to thank those who have been there for me.

To my mom: thank you for all the prayers and never giving up on me.

DK: for being that friend

KW: for making me laugh and being my friend after all we’ve been thru

Most of to my savior: without whom I would not be here today. May my life somehow be pleasing to you.

snowboarding then domino's and a movie

This is gonna be short I think but I had to share.

What do these three things have to do with each other you ask. Crammed into one day, they are nearly perfect. Not just any day though, Christmas Day. That's right, it's one of my fondest memories growing up, well, when I was in HS anyhow.

There were a few years when it was just my mom and I on Christmas day. The first year we decided to take advantage of the less crowded mountain and returned home for pizza and a movie. We repeated this for a few years and I miss it. It was a simple day with no expectations. Just fun with ma.

Thanks for everything mom. I love you a ton and thank God for you.

successful? by who's standards

At the end of it all how do you measure success? Will you hear Him say "well done"? Do you have a good job or fun toys, a wife, maybe kids or money to spare?

By the worlds standards I have had some success and some failure. Without a college degree I have made as much as $90,000 in a year. I have traveled many places in the US as well as several places in Asia and Mexico. I was married for 6 years and now am divorced and scraping the bottom of the penny jar. I have harvested 7 big game species in 3 states with my bow as well as helping many friends get there first animal and/or first of a species including; whitetail deer, black bear, brown bear, Roosevelt and Rocky Mtn Elk and dall sheep. I was a scratch golfer for nearly 3 years holding or tying 5 course records. I was offered the lead instructor position at the Breckenridge snowboard school. I can still walk after a messed up back and a knee with very little holding it together. I have fulfilled my dream of climbing in Thailand.

All of this and one thing stands out to me more than it all. his name is Sean. I met Sean about 2 years ago and we quickly became good friends. Sean started coming to bible studies at my apartment learning and asking new questions each week. At a Christmas party Sean came to me and told me he had made a decision to follow Jesus Christ and trust Him as his savior. That God would use me in such a way, now that may be my greatest success.

However, I still wonder. What would God say? Would any of these things hold water in His book? or does He simply want my obedience and faith? Would He say it was that night on Cannon Beach when I listened enough to hear His voice and acted upon it immediately? Would it be the times when I have managed to put all else aside and truly worship Him for who He is.

How do you judge success? May the lord our God be glorified in us friends. We are His hands and feet and may just be the only Jesus this world sees.

Wrecked 77

Tuesday, December 13, 1977

Jeffrey Allen Wieber was born wrecked. That is to say, born in sin.

I suppose that pretty much says it all. I have been selfish and arrogant, I have lied, cheated, stolen and hurt those I love. I have sinned against God, man and my own body. I have betrayed friends and family and proven myself unworthy over and over again.

I keep going day by day hoping that in some way I can affect someone's life in a positive way. That some how God can use me in spite of me. That my life as screwed up as I have made it may possibly show a glimpse of Christ and His love to someone in need of it.

I could go on but the details are irrelevant.

You'll be back

You'll be back, you'll be back, you'll be back.

Some days it felt as though though these words haunted every waking moment of my days.

It was the winter of 04-05 living in Anchorage, Alaska. My wife had left under the premise of a 6 month split about 10 months prior. She had just called finally a few weeks prior to let me know she had been living with someone else for the last 9 months. In my heart I knew already but I fell apart that day. I chose then that I wanted nothing more to do with God. I told Him off and to take a hike. cursing His name regularly and telling Him to leave me alone, in not so nice of terms. "You'll be back" I heard and cursed Him again. I began drinking to help me sleep and then to pass the time and attempt to dull the pain. Within a few weeks I had a new girlfriend which was anything but a good relationship. "You'll be back"... I made it to work every day and excelled at my position hiding the pain inside. As it got warmer I hiked miles and miles often over 20 in a day. One time I did a 37 mile hike after church on a Sunday afternoon/evening. Admittedly I started out under the impression it was 24 or 25 miles! Now the hiking and running, mma training and working long hours were not necessarily bad things. Except that they were just a couple more things I could do to occupy my time instead of seeking the Lord. "You'll be back" He called again. After a few months of pushing Him aside I started going back to church. I met a few guys and started going to a guys bible study. Slowly but surely the "you'll be back"'s stopped. He was drawing me back to Himself and I was finally responding. Once I let Him, He wrapped me in His loving arms and began the healing process.

I had cursed the name of God. I had deliberately made a decision to leave Him behind and never look back. I had chosen a life of sin and self indulgence and He never left my side. He was constantly there with me reminding me of His love. Though I did not want to hear it, I needed to. I had to! It was never forceful or demanding but soft and gentle. A nearly constant reminder that He was there when I was ready.

What I went thru nobody should ever have to. I am not the only one and am not trying to say my situation was soooo much worse. I am simply saying what God has told us. He allowed divorce "because of the hardness of our hearts" Matthew 19:8. 1 was not meant to again become 2, that is simply not the way God intended it.

What I am really trying to say I guess is that God is with you, and He is with me. ALL THE TIME!!! Whether we know it or not, feel it or not and sometimes even whether we want Him or not. For those who have chosen to follow Jesus Christ and to live in accordance with His word. You are stuck but you are stuck with the single greatest thing in existence. The presence of the Holy Spirit within you, forgiveness of you sins by the blood of Jesus and the adoption into the family of the one who knew you before you were born and knit you together in your mothers womb. The creator of all that is, was and ever will be wants to be your friend. Will you talk with Him? and walk with Him? and give Him what He rightly deserves but will not force from you?

Lord forgive me for my selfish arrogant living. That I would think for a second I could make it on my own. Draw my into you Lord God and give me eyes that see and a heart the desires only You. Thank you Jesus for setting me free

redeemed 1994

You know what happens when you assume!

Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and YOU shall be saved.

I accepted Jesus as my savior as a young boy. About 6 according to my mom. She assures me I knew what it meant and made the decision on my own. As I grew up I rededicated my life a few times. Which, I think, is not all bad. Depending on your how and why that is. If you are constantly renewing your vows because you want to continue growing in your relationship with your creator. And out of realizing your sin and constant need for Him and Him crucified you cry out to Him again and again. Well I say praise the Lord.
If however it is because you choose not to live as Christ lived. Not following the example set before us being obedient to the Word of God. Then are you just trying to reassure yourself? That the decision you have made at some point is real rather than truly desiring more of Him.

This is the cycle I was in. Honestly unsure of that early in life decision. It was my sophomore year in High School. At that time I was at North Central in Spokane, WA. I had a reputation all my own. One that would clear the dark alleyway ahead as my cousin and I walked to the store one night to get sodas. So other kids would talk about me then turn away as I looked toward them. A rep that got me into a lot of hockey games for free because I would taunt the opposing team and occasionally initiate a fight behind their bench. This week I earned another "notch" on my proverbial belt as I beat the snot out of a kid named Mike. We had one class together, wrestled on the same team and often hung out at lunch. Really though, I didn't know Mike at all. Not his story, where he came from or what his family was like. All I knew is nobody liked him and he pushed me to far that day. Mike wasn't at school for 3 or 4 days after that. I don't remember, as I look back, if it was concern for him, fear of what I may have done or just worry for the sake of my own hide but I started thinking.

Not long after another major event took place. I don't remember what it was that set me off that night. My mom and I had an argument. If that's fair to say. You see I had serious anger management issues. As in I didn't manage it, AT ALL! Rage is the only word that would describe my actions that night as well as many other occasions. I yelled and cursed and who knows what else. At my mom, the one who raised me and loved me from birth. All said and done, that was it. She told me that night that someone would be coming to pick me up in the morning. She had called a boys ranch/home. We had talked about me going several times. It was a good option and a Christian run program. They offered discipline and guidance that I wasn't really getting and/or accepting. It was a last resort sort of option.

What happened next can only be described as a miracle.

Knowing I was going to be leaving that morning I packed the things I would need. When I finally went downstairs there was my mom. I apologized and promised her that I would never treat her that way again. We talked for a short time and she said she would give me one last chance. My mom has been one of my best friends since that day. Sure we have had our disagreements and even arguments but it is different. Since that morning some 16 years ago, the rage is gone the anger removed.

I know, it sounds to simple but it really was. that was it, done, over, gone! To the extent that three years later people didn't believe my old reputation. When I went to bible school a long time friend was there as well. He would tell people about our old hockey game days and how I used to fight all the time. Nobody believed him. Some would literally say, not him, you've got the wrong guy.

He still works miracles. Believe and see for the Lord our God is good

In addition- it was this year that I really learned or began to learn what it means to let God have my life, to live for Him. I began working with the jr.high group and stepping into a leadership role in HS youth group as well.