before "the blog"- Humpty Dumpty from 6-6-2010

Humpty Dumpty

Ok, so the other night I was thinking about this childrens story and truthfully I don’t remember the whole. However, I started thinking about how it relates to my life. A bit random but here we go anyway.

So if I (as Humpty Dumpty) fall off a wall because I was unable to stay on it, would I go back to the same spot? Probably not but instead would find a lower, safer, more stable spot. Maybe even on a different wall. This place for sure will work out I say to myself, I like it here. So I settle in to my new place on a wall and begin to enjoy it and where it is going. I see the future in this spot and begin to hold it and make it my own.

Then, it happens…down I go to a painful landing once again. Now this time as I sit in the recovery room I think thru what happened and why once again. I try to learn from my mistakes and cling again to what I know. As I head out again to make my place I being to look around for something suitable. I find a really cool spot and sit there for a bit. I enjoy it, the view is good, the future seems fuzzy but I remember that it did at first in the last spot too. So I sit there a bit longer enjoying this new place but so unsure if I can make it my own. I think to myself, if I were smart I would stay on the ground for another fall would kill me for sure. Yet I long for a place on the wall once again. Again, I also know a place on the wall means the other places and futures and dreams I had will be long behind likely to never be seen again. So maybe I can walk on the ground and find a good spot with a view from there but would also be able to travel the world and not be stuck on that wall, now there’s an idea I may life after all. I could see this and that and go here and there and enjoy all the things that I long to explore… except for a wonderful place on the wall.

Now I’m perplexed for I can’t have it all. Oh to travel the world or sit on the wall? That is the question and only I can decide yet I find myself unable to stay on that wall. Maybe it’s simply that what I want isn’t best for me and the wall was never meant for people like me? Those who wonder about and dream of great things. To see the world and all that it has or sit on the wall and make a spot just for me. Rather than a wall am I meant to be sailing aboard a ship lost at sea?

The ship has it’s risks as well though you see. It gets battered and worn and who know’s where it’ll be. Safer at first cause there’s no chance of a fall. Maybe it’s only cause your already on the ground after all.

So it comes down to this I think for me. The wall is where I want to be. The problem lies in my ability to find a safe place that’s just right for me. With my lack of trust in humanity I’m just not sure there’s a wall in this world with a spot I can see that’s built just for me.