You'll be back

You'll be back, you'll be back, you'll be back.

Some days it felt as though though these words haunted every waking moment of my days.

It was the winter of 04-05 living in Anchorage, Alaska. My wife had left under the premise of a 6 month split about 10 months prior. She had just called finally a few weeks prior to let me know she had been living with someone else for the last 9 months. In my heart I knew already but I fell apart that day. I chose then that I wanted nothing more to do with God. I told Him off and to take a hike. cursing His name regularly and telling Him to leave me alone, in not so nice of terms. "You'll be back" I heard and cursed Him again. I began drinking to help me sleep and then to pass the time and attempt to dull the pain. Within a few weeks I had a new girlfriend which was anything but a good relationship. "You'll be back"... I made it to work every day and excelled at my position hiding the pain inside. As it got warmer I hiked miles and miles often over 20 in a day. One time I did a 37 mile hike after church on a Sunday afternoon/evening. Admittedly I started out under the impression it was 24 or 25 miles! Now the hiking and running, mma training and working long hours were not necessarily bad things. Except that they were just a couple more things I could do to occupy my time instead of seeking the Lord. "You'll be back" He called again. After a few months of pushing Him aside I started going back to church. I met a few guys and started going to a guys bible study. Slowly but surely the "you'll be back"'s stopped. He was drawing me back to Himself and I was finally responding. Once I let Him, He wrapped me in His loving arms and began the healing process.

I had cursed the name of God. I had deliberately made a decision to leave Him behind and never look back. I had chosen a life of sin and self indulgence and He never left my side. He was constantly there with me reminding me of His love. Though I did not want to hear it, I needed to. I had to! It was never forceful or demanding but soft and gentle. A nearly constant reminder that He was there when I was ready.

What I went thru nobody should ever have to. I am not the only one and am not trying to say my situation was soooo much worse. I am simply saying what God has told us. He allowed divorce "because of the hardness of our hearts" Matthew 19:8. 1 was not meant to again become 2, that is simply not the way God intended it.

What I am really trying to say I guess is that God is with you, and He is with me. ALL THE TIME!!! Whether we know it or not, feel it or not and sometimes even whether we want Him or not. For those who have chosen to follow Jesus Christ and to live in accordance with His word. You are stuck but you are stuck with the single greatest thing in existence. The presence of the Holy Spirit within you, forgiveness of you sins by the blood of Jesus and the adoption into the family of the one who knew you before you were born and knit you together in your mothers womb. The creator of all that is, was and ever will be wants to be your friend. Will you talk with Him? and walk with Him? and give Him what He rightly deserves but will not force from you?

Lord forgive me for my selfish arrogant living. That I would think for a second I could make it on my own. Draw my into you Lord God and give me eyes that see and a heart the desires only You. Thank you Jesus for setting me free